Check Out these 65 Money Funnies from Around the Web.

I thought I would take a little break from serious money related posts. Instead I decided to scour the web for all the money funnies that I could find. No seriously, all of them. Ok, ok, maybe not all them. I’m not that motivated. But I do like a good pun or Dad joke. And I did find some good ones. . . maybe. I’ll let you be the judge of that.

So, without further ado: 65 Money One-liners, Puns, and Jokes

For all you married folks:

  1. I don’t let my wife play the lottery. She already won the jackpot when she married me.
  2. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  3. Behind every successful man, you’ll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
  4. What’s the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
  5. My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.
  6. Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
  7. After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly. “No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.”

For all the animal lovers:

  1. Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.
  2. Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snowbank!
  3. Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!
  4. What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty.
  5. What dog has money? A bloodhound, because he is always picking up (s)cents.
  6. How do dinosaurs pay their bills? With Tyrannosaurus cheques!

Ever feel like You’re so poor that . . .

  1. I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.
  2. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
  3. Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
  4. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  5. Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.
  6. The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*
  7. What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent, featuring Nickelback.
  8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
  9. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
  10. I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.
  11. I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There’s no limit to how much they can charge me.
  12. My iPhone8 (X) has facial recognition. It looked at my face and told me that I can’t afford it…
  13. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
  14. All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.
  15. I don’t want to be a millionaire. I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
  16. The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments!
  17. Interviewer: “Why do you want this job?” Me: “I’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death.”
  18. Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.
  19. Sometimes, when I’m cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, “If the bus driver doesn’t speed up I’ll be late for work.”
  20. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

My favorite Money Puns and One-liners:

  1. Chinese takeout – $27.50. Gas to get there – $3.25. Getting home then realizing they didn’t give you one of the containers – riceless…
  2. Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.
  3. Why isn’t a dime worth as much today as it used to be? Because the dimes (times) have changed.
  4. If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first? The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).
  5. Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you? Mary: I’d pay whatever it charged.
  6. Why shouldn’t you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your
    money.
  7. How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company? He was shocked.
  8. The man who discovered copper died penniless.
  9. Which is better, an old ten dollar bill or a new one? An old ten dollar bill is better than a new one.
  10. If you take half from a half dollar, what do you have? A dollar.
  11. If George Washington were alive today, why couldn’t he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac River? Because a dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
  12. Why can’t the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers!
  13. What is the quickest way to double your money? Fold it in half!
  14. Where can you always find money? In the dictionary.
  15. To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
  16. Why did the boy eat his cash? Because it was his dinner money!

And some miscellaneous ones to finish out the list:

  1. Every morning before school mom would give me 8 quarters for lunch… and every evening I’d sit on the toilet trying to pass them.
  2. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  3. There are two rules for success: 1) Don’t tell all you know.
  4. Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.
  5. I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
  6. A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
  7. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
  8. I don’t mean to brag but I’m helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can’t really talk about it.
  9. Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors.
  10. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
  11. The stock market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.
  12. What’s another name for long term investment? A failed short term investment!
  13. There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who cannot.
  14. Money is always there, but the pockets change.
  15. Remember the golden rule: Those who have the gold make the rules.

And number 65 is from one our favorite financial bloggers, who also happens to have some money jokes on his blog/site: Budgets are Sexy:

“Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.”

So what do you think of these money funnies? Aren’t some of them pretty bad? Anyway, I hope that at least one of these brightened your day.

Do you know any more that I didn’t list here?

Let me know in the comments. Thanks for reading and sharing.

Author

Chris is the original Cash Dad. He's a father of 3 and a mechanical engineer by trade.

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