Money Funnies. (Not) A Comprehensive List of Money Jokes.
Check Out these 65 Money Funnies from Around the Web.
I thought I would take a little break from serious money related posts. Instead I decided to scour the web for all the money funnies that I could find. No seriously, all of them. Ok, ok, maybe not all them. I’m not that motivated. But I do like a good pun or Dad joke. And I did find some good ones. . . maybe. I’ll let you be the judge of that.
So, without further ado: 65 Money One-liners, Puns, and Jokes
For all you married folks:
- I don’t let my wife play the lottery. She already won the jackpot when she married me.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Behind every successful man, you’ll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
- What’s the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
- My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.
- Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
- After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly. “No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.”
For all the animal lovers:
- Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.
- Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snowbank!
- Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!
- What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty.
- What dog has money? A bloodhound, because he is always picking up (s)cents.
- How do dinosaurs pay their bills? With Tyrannosaurus cheques!
Ever feel like You’re so poor that . . .
- I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.
- Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
- Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
- The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
- Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.
- The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*
- What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent, featuring Nickelback.
- If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
- I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
- I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.
- I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There’s no limit to how much they can charge me.
- My iPhone8 (X) has facial recognition. It looked at my face and told me that I can’t afford it…
- I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
- All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.
- I don’t want to be a millionaire. I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
- The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments!
- Interviewer: “Why do you want this job?” Me: “I’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death.”
- Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.
- Sometimes, when I’m cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, “If the bus driver doesn’t speed up I’ll be late for work.”
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
My favorite Money Puns and One-liners:
- Chinese takeout – $27.50. Gas to get there – $3.25. Getting home then realizing they didn’t give you one of the containers – riceless…
- Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.
- Why isn’t a dime worth as much today as it used to be? Because the dimes (times) have changed.
- If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first? The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).
- Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you? Mary: I’d pay whatever it charged.
- Why shouldn’t you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your
- How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company? He was shocked.
- The man who discovered copper died penniless.
- Which is better, an old ten dollar bill or a new one? An old ten dollar bill is better than a new one.
- If you take half from a half dollar, what do you have? A dollar.
- If George Washington were alive today, why couldn’t he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac River? Because a dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
- Why can’t the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers!
- What is the quickest way to double your money? Fold it in half!
- Where can you always find money? In the dictionary.
- To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
- Why did the boy eat his cash? Because it was his dinner money!
And some miscellaneous ones to finish out the list:
- Every morning before school mom would give me 8 quarters for lunch… and every evening I’d sit on the toilet trying to pass them.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- There are two rules for success: 1) Don’t tell all you know.
- Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.
- I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
- A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
- An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
- I don’t mean to brag but I’m helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can’t really talk about it.
- Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors.
- A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
- The stock market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.
- What’s another name for long term investment? A failed short term investment!
- There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who cannot.
- Money is always there, but the pockets change.
- Remember the golden rule: Those who have the gold make the rules.
And number 65 is from one our favorite financial bloggers, who also happens to have some money jokes on his blog/site: Budgets are Sexy:
So what do you think of these money funnies? Aren’t some of them pretty bad? Anyway, I hope that at least one of these brightened your day.
Do you know any more that I didn’t list here?
Let me know in the comments. Thanks for reading and sharing.